I just hanged up call from my dad. He called me because Jiji (meaning grandpa in Japanese) is dying and trying to connect us as much as possible. I really appreciate to my dad and this technology which allows us to connect in this last moment. My entire family live in Japan and I live in US.

I have never seen someone actually dying.

My dad called me some times in this few weeks, so I saw Jiji getting weaker and weaker. When he was face calling me couple weeks ago, Jiji was still sitting and barely but could talk. He kept saying “Arigatou” meaning “thank you” in Japanese almost entire calling time. I replied “Arigatou“, too. I intuitively knew that he will be gone soon. He also said I got beautiful. He was wearing his pajama and a fluffy plaid patterned vest. I said “the vest is really cute.” He continued to say “Arigatou“. I felt he was saying “Arigatou” not only to me but to everyone. I meant EVERYONE he met in his life. There was some kind of emotion came up to my mind. I couldn’t find the right words for the emotion. But I knew I will cry if I let this emotion come out. I tried hard to not cry and talked normally and smiled. I thought I shouldn’t cry at the time for some reason. I mean, why cry? It’s not the time to make any negativity there, right? Anyway, Jiji kept saying “Arigatou” and I thought his vest was really cute.

The second time my dad called me, Jiji was coughing so badly. I didn’t expected that at all. I thought there was some kind of joke or just coughing at the time. But then, soon I realized this was much serious than I thought when my dad moved the screen to other family members. Jiji was coughing but he kept saying “Arigatou.” He was wearing the same fluffy plaid patterned vest. My grandma and one of my cousins were there, too. I didn’t know what to say. The unexplainable emotion came up in my mind again. This time was much stronger. My tear was right behind the screen in my eyes but I tried so hard to handle it and said “Arigatou. ” It was just for two minutes and a half long call. But Jiji kept saying “Arigatou” while he was coughing. He only said “Arigatou” in this calling. I tried my best to handle the emotion while I felt it is beautiful watching him. It’s an old skinny man coughing and dying. It’s honestly not beautiful at all. But I thought it was so beautiful about Jiji with other family members surrounding him and kept saying only “Arigatou” to the world.

Then, my dad sent me couple of pictures late last night during I was sleeping. Jiji was sleeping on the bed wearing ventilator. There were my family members; my grandma, cousins, aunt, nieces, and of course my parents, who were taking the pictures, were there. Again, I thought it’s beautiful and he is really truly a fortunate person.

When my dad called me third time few hours ago, Jiji was lying on the bed wearing the ventilator and barely could talk. My dad called him “Otousan” meaning “father.” It was my first time to hear him call “Otousan” so clearly. While my dad was showing Jiji on the screen, he put a screen effect at the back ground. I think it was just accidentally. The screen effect with beautiful mountains views that my dad climbed before. Therefore, weak Jiji was showing with the mountain screen. That honestly looked he was flying to heaven. This time Jiji couldn’t talk. I mean, he was trying to say something but we barely could understand him. But I knew he sees me. That emotion came up to me again. This time I couldn’t control enough so tear was coming out from my eyes. I went off screen and wipe my tears so that Jiji and my dad didn’t have to see my tears. But I knew my dad had the same feeling as me. Jiji was trying to say something to me and took away the ventilator by himself. We couldn’t hear clearly what he actually said. But I knew he said I got beautiful and Arigatou. So, I nodded.

After I hanged up, I had a live session yoga class. I was so glad that they allowed screen off and muted because I started to cry like a child from the middle of the session. What is this indescribable feeling? I’m sad but it’s not only sad. It’s not only negative feeling. It’s not positive but it’s not negative. I’ve been living for 34 years but I really don’t know this feeling. I don’t even know if this feeling is mine. It may be someone else from past soul or souls inside of me. It is just so huge emotion and could not stop the tears when I remembered Jiji took away the ventilator.

He loves me. As much as Jiji put his effort with his last power and tried to tell me that I am beautiful and Arigatou. For the first time I may be able to feel someone’s love toward me. I don’t know how he looked at me. Maybe I was lovely little granddaughter to him. I have never tholught abouot it. But that what came up to my mind.

But I still don’t know what to do and how to handle this feeling. I am just trying to admit that I am beautiful as Jiji said. But I still don’t know what to do after I admit my family’s love toward me. I just don’t know what means to love me.